By a therapist with a soft spot for attachment theory and a healthy scepticism about January makeovers
Every January we are invited—no, instructed—to reinvent ourselves. New bodies. New habits. New lives. It’s a seductive promise, usually delivered alongside a discounted gym membership and a faint sense of personal failure.
But from an attachment perspective, most New Year’s resolutions were doomed long before the fireworks faded.
Why? Because attachment strategies are not bad habits. They are survival solutions—clever, creative adaptations formed in relationship, under conditions we did not choose. When resolutions collide with attachment defences, the defence almost always wins. Not because the person is weak, but because the strategy once kept them safe.
What if, instead of trying to override attachment patterns, we worked with them?
This blog explores attachment, informed New Year’s resolutions—ones that respect the nervous system, honour relational history, and invite growth rather than shame. For therapists, counsellors, and anyone curious about why change is so hard (and so relational), consider this your January reframe.
First, a word on “defence”
In attachment language, defence doesn’t mean something pathological. It means a patterned way of staying emotionally safe when connection felt risky, unreliable, or overwhelming.
Defences are intelligent. They are embodied. And they are often invisible to the person using them.
So when we hear things like:
- “I just need more discipline”
- “I’m terrible at relationships”
- “I always mess things up”
…an attachment lens quietly replies:
Ah. Something learned this pattern for a very good reason.
With that in mind, let’s explore resolutions that don’t wage war on the self.
Secure Attachment: The Overlooked Resolution—Staying Curious
People with predominantly secure attachment often get left out of attachment conversations, as if they’ve already “won”. But security is not a static achievement—it’s a living, relational process.
Common defensive drift
Securely attached individuals may default to competence, resilience, and “coping well”. Their blind spot is often emotional bypassing—moving on quickly, staying functional, minimising the impact of loss or rupture.
An Attachment, informed resolution
“This year, I will stay with discomfort a little longer.”
Not to wallow. Not to dramatise. But to notice subtle emotional cues before they turn into disconnection.
Why these matter
Security deepens when people allow themselves to be affected. Therapists with secure attachment often model stability beautifully—but their work becomes richer when they also model vulnerability without collapse.
Gentle practices
- Naming feelings before problem, solving
- Letting trusted others see uncertainty
- Reflecting on relational micro, ruptures rather than smoothing them over
Secure attachment doesn’t mean “nothing hurts”. It means repair is possible.
Anxious / Preoccupied Attachment: From Proximity to Presence
Anxiously attached individuals often start January with a long list of self, improvement goals—usually framed as becoming “better”, “calmer”, or “less needy”.
The subtext?
If I fix myself, you won’t leave.
Core defensive strategy
Hyper, activation of attachment needs:
- Monitoring others closely
- Seeking reassurance
- Prioritising relationships over self
- Interpreting distance as danger
Typical (unhelpful) resolution
- “I’ll stop being so needy”
- “I’ll be more independent”
- “I won’t care so much”
These usually backfire by increasing shame.
An Attachment, informed resolution
“This year, I will learn to stay emotionally present with myself.”
Not less relational. More internally anchored.
Why this works
Anxious attachment isn’t about loving too much—it’s about loving without a safe internal base. Growth happens when reassurance becomes something the nervous system can generate, not just seek.
Regulating resolutions
- Practising delayed reassurance (“I can wait ten minutes before texting”)
- Developing body, based soothing rather than cognitive reassurance
- Asking, “What am I feeling right now?” before “What are they doing?”
For therapists, this marks a move from being the main source of regulation to supporting both co-regulation and the client’s growing ability to self-regulate. It’s a quiet shift, but a profound one.
Avoidant / Dismissive Attachment: Letting Connection Count
Avoidantly attached people rarely make emotional resolutions. Their goals tend to be practical, productivity, focused, or self, optimising.
Feelings? Optional.
Dependence? Best avoided.
Core defensive strategy
De, activation:
- Minimising needs
- Valuing independence over intimacy
- Intellectualising emotion
- Withdrawing under relational stress
Typical resolution
- “I’ll focus on myself”
- “I’ll stay busy”
- “I’ll not get dragged into drama”
Which often strengthens the defence.
Attachment, informed resolution
“This year, I will allow connection to matter.”
Not overwhelm. Not enmeshment. Just matter.
Why this is radical
For avoidant strategies, closeness once came with cost—criticism, engulfment, or unreliability. Letting connection matter risks disappointment. That’s precisely why it’s growth, edge work.
Practical experiments
- Sharing a feeling without a solution
- Staying in contact during stress rather than disappearing
- Noticing bodily responses to closeness (tight chest, numbness, irritation)
For therapists with avoidant tendencies, this resolution often shows up in supervision: tolerating not knowing, receiving support, letting the work affect you.
Small openings. Big shifts.
Disorganised Attachment: Prioritising Safety Over Insight
Disorganised attachment is often misunderstood as “complex” or “chaotic”, when in fact it reflects a nervous system shaped by fear within attachment.
Insight alone is not enough here.
Core defensive pattern
Simultaneous approach–avoidance:
- Longing for closeness, fearing it
- Switching strategies under stress
- Dissociation, freeze, or sudden withdrawal
Harmful resolution traps
- “I’ll finally understand why I’m like this”
- “I’ll fix my trauma”
- “I’ll stop sabotaging relationships”
These put pressure on systems that are already overwhelmed.
Attachment, informed resolution
“This year, I will build safety before seeking change.”
Safety first. Always.
What safety looks like
- Predictable routines
- Clear boundaries
- Therapies that prioritise regulation over excavation
- Relationships that tolerate ambivalence
For therapists: working with disorganised attachment requires humility, pacing, and deep respect for survival intelligence. The resolution here is not transformation—it’s stabilisation.
And that is profound work.
For Therapists and Counsellors: Your Attachment Has a Vote
Here’s the quiet truth our professions don’t always name:
You don’t leave your attachment system at the therapy room door.
Your New Year’s resolutions as a practitioner—train more, work harder, take on more clients, finally rest—are also shaped by attachment defences.
- Anxious therapists may over, give
- Avoidant therapists may over, intellectualise
- Secure therapists may under, attend to their own needs
- Disorganised therapists may oscillate between over, commitment and withdrawal
An attachment, informed resolution for clinicians might be:
“This year, I will relate to my work—not just perform it.”
That’s where supervision, reflective practice, and attachment, focused training stop being “extras” and become ethical necessities.
Why Attachment Changes the Resolution Conversation
Traditional resolutions are individualistic. Attachment, informed ones are relational.
They ask:
- What did I need to survive?
- What does my nervous system expect?
- How do I grow without betraying myself?
For therapists and counsellors, attachment theory doesn’t just explain clients—it explains us, our blocks, our brilliance, and our blind spots.
And perhaps that’s the most hopeful New Year message of all:
You don’t need a new personality.
You need a compassionate understanding of the one you developed to survive.
A final invitation
If this article sparked recognition—professional or personal—you’re already doing attachment work. Learning more doesn’t mean labelling people; it means listening more precisely, working more safely, and understanding behaviour in context rather than isolation.
This year’s most radical resolution might be this:
Stay curious about why you are the way you are—and let that curiosity lead the work
