(Whether You Mean To or Not)
Most therapists don’t remember being taught about co-regulation.
And yet, if you sit with clients day after day, you are using it constantly.
Often without naming it.
Often without planning it.
Sometimes without realising how powerful it is.
Co-regulation isn’t a technique you “apply”.
It’s something that happens between nervous systems – and it sits at the heart of attachment-informed therapy.
What co-regulation actually is (and isn’t)
Co-regulation is the process by which one nervous system helps another settle.
It happens through:
- Tone of voice
- Facial expression
- Pace
- Posture
- Emotional availability
Not through advice.
Not through explanation.
Not through insight.
And importantly – co-regulation is not:
- Rescuing
- Soothing away distress
- Making things better quickly
- Absorbing the client’s feelings
It’s about staying regulated yourself while staying present with someone else.
That distinction matters.
Why co-regulation comes before self-regulation
Many clients are encouraged to self-regulate.
Breathing exercises.
Grounding techniques.
Cognitive strategies.
These can be helpful – but they assume something that isn’t always true.
They assume the nervous system learned regulation in relationship first.
For clients whose early caregivers were unavailable, overwhelmed, or unsafe, self-regulation was never modelled.
So the nervous system still looks outward for cues of safety before it can settle inward.
This is not dependency.
It’s developmental reality.
The therapist as a regulated anchor
In moments of intensity, clients often unconsciously look to the therapist’s nervous system.
They register:
- Are you calm or tense?
- Are you rushed or settled?
- Are you present or pulling away?
They don’t do this consciously – the body reads it automatically.
When you remain grounded in the presence of distress, you offer something profoundly corrective:
This feeling doesn’t overwhelm the relationship.
That message lands far more deeply than any explanation ever could.
When therapists underestimate their impact
Many therapists assume co-regulation requires doing something special.
In reality, it often shows up in small, ordinary moments:
- Sitting a little more still
- Softening your voice
- Taking a breath before responding
- Allowing silence without urgency
- Staying warm but boundaried
Clients often feel these shifts even when they can’t articulate them.
And over time, something changes.
The nervous system begins to expect support rather than threat.
Co-regulation is not the same as taking responsibility
A common fear – especially for thoughtful, conscientious therapists – is that co-regulation will lead to dependency.
But co-regulation done well does the opposite.
When clients experience regulation with another, they slowly internalise it.
They begin to:
- Settle more quickly
- Recover faster
- Stay present longer
- Need less external support over time
Dependency decreases not because it’s discouraged – but because the nervous system no longer needs to cling.
When co-regulation breaks down
There are times when co-regulation doesn’t happen.
Usually, because the therapist’s own nervous system is under strain.
Burnout.
Overload.
Unprocessed countertransference.
Too many demands, too little support.
In these moments, therapists may:
- Over-intervene
- Withdraw emotionally
- Become overly cognitive
- Feel ineffective or “flat”
This isn’t a failure.
It’s a signal.
Co-regulation requires support for the therapist too – through supervision, reflection, and training that acknowledges the emotional impact of the work.
Making co-regulation conscious
When therapists begin to understand co-regulation, something shifts.
They stop trying to fix feelings.
They trust presence more.
They pace sessions differently.
They feel less pressure to perform.
And clients respond.
Often with relief.
Often with softening.
Often with a sense that therapy finally feels safe rather than effortful.
A reflection to carry forward
You might gently reflect on this:
- How aware are you of your own nervous system in session?
- What helps you stay grounded when clients are distressed?
- Where might you be underestimating the impact of simply being with?
Co-regulation is not an add-on.
It’s already happening – shaping the work in ways you may never have been taught to notice.
In the next blog, we’ll explore what happens when calm itself feels unsafe for clients – and why some nervous systems cling to chaos long after the danger has passed.
For now, you might sit with this:
If co-regulation is already one of your most powerful interventions, what changes when you start using it intentionally?
Often, that’s where therapy becomes quieter – and far more effective.
